The CIA Will Be Calling For My Assistance Soon

I frequently have conversations with my mother that go like this:

(Phone rings)

Mom: What is that movie, with the guy whose wife is murdered and they think he did it and he goes to prison but then –

Me: The Fugitive.

Mom: That’s it! Thank you, honey!

I know from movies, is what I’m saying. I watch them closely and think about sound effects and editing and cinematography and pacing and how many takes that scene took and how the scene is lit.

This weekend, I mentioned a movie – I cannot remember what it was – to The Boyfriend that Robert DeNiro was in.

He said, I think it was Al Pacino.

Me: I think it was DeNiro. The one who’s in Scent of a Woman.

The Boyfriend: That was Pacino.

Me: Seriously?

Me: Okay, the guy who’s in The Devil’s Advocate. I KNOW that was DeNiro.

TBF: Uh, baby, that was Pacino.

Me: (expletive)

Me: (desperate) Any Given Sunday? WASN’T THAT DeNiro?

TBF: (sighs) Pacino.

Me: . . .

Me: (tentative) Who was that in Cape Fear?

TBF: Now that was DeNiro.

Me: (relieved) Right, like in The Godfather.

TBF: Yeah, no. That was Pacino.

Is it possible I have never seen a Robert DeNiro movie?

I’ve never seen Scarface, which I’m thinking one of them was in. I’m thinking it was DeNiro, which means it was most likely Pacino.

One of them was in Deer Hunter and somebody was in Goodfellows. Or was that The Untouchables?

It seems like they were in a mobster movie together, right? Anyone? I feel like I’m in some alternate universe or something.

I’ve seen Casino and it seems like they were in it. Maybe. What about The Usual Suspects? Donnie Brasco? I always thought Pacino was in that.

We turned to the computer and asked the Google, who came up with a link to a You Tube clip from Heat, a movie starring both of them. The scene featured the two in a restaurant and each scene was shot so that you saw one’s face and the back of the other one’s head.

That’s when it hit me: THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON.

Yes! It makes so much sense! You know how established authors sometimes strike out in another genre under a pen name? That’s what they/he did! They are the same person!

I feel so much better now that I figured that out. It's not me being criminally confused. It's simply Pacino/DeNiro pulling a fast one over on the movie-watching public. Good thing I'm as sharp as I am and all. You have to get up pretty early in the morning, you know.

And if they ever need a body double? Andy Garcia.




-- Nothing to do with anything but I just finished drafting over a page of my thesis proposal, resulting in nausea and near tears. It's going to be a long, long, long process.